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PREFACE

After centuries of procrastinating to update this blog of mine, has finally reached its end. The birds are chirping, the fog is slowly fading out, the sun slowly unleash its realness, and a soul. If were given a chance to choose between 20 million bucks or knowing my future, I'll pick the second one without a moment of hesitation. Or even doubtful feeling to not want to know.

Yesterday, I was agreeing to my dad about continuing my study in deg of event management; which surprisingly I was very talented in 'handling events'.

Yesterday, our neighbour, my brother's closest friend, whom I hate the shit out of his annoying for god sake 7 years old life, said my fried rice was the best fried rice he ever eaten.

Yesterday, all Anas wanted were to play his bike with his neighbour’s friends 'till the sun goes out.

Yesterday, Spot the Cat was lying on my mother's lap.

Yesterday, I was dancing my heart out in my own bedroom.

Yesterday, I was in my home.

Crying; Pleading; begging to the sky; with all the voices my little heart has,

"I don't want to move there, too."

I woke up today, on the couch, at my hometown in kuantan pahang, looking anxiously around the living room with our familiar stuff, with piles of plastic bags needed to clean up, needed to untie the knot and put in place;

I showed sober, but in my mind honestly all I was thinking,

Shit.

1. THE PHONE CALL

It all started with a phone call. Her cries and sobs were loud enough for me to understand the situation. The tense that is holding us up but we were too afraid to ask questions about it. Her voice in panicked actually weren’t loud enough, as always, but surely it makes both of us freaked out and ran upstairs immediately.

I couldn't catch my breath. I was holding my own breathe so that I can hear hers. She was wailing.

Now he must be somewhere at faraway state of the unknown; the news broke her heart into million pieces, tore her like a hot burning metal shoving down her throat. I could hear perfectly everything.

Her brother was already gone.

2. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.

It was definitely hard for my mum to fit herself alone without her siblings in Puchong. All of them stayed in Pahang, of course. After the incident, everyone was praying every single day that my mum will return and stayed safely here, with them all around. Stayed at their late mother’s house was apparently the best idea they can came out with ‘because the house wasn’t actually built for the ghost to make more...ghost babies.

Guess god blessed each one soul who prayed,

Because we fckg did.

Eventually, it all happened quiet coincidentally at the same time. The owner of our rented house decided to increase the house rent from RM700 to RM1k. Bear with me, my mum quits her job. Shall I add that this house was used to be my home; with broken windows, useless grill to protect us, broken locks, the bushes behind of the house with god-knows what the hell lives in there, the rats which are dying to know what I cooked that day, a non-stop breeding mosquitoes,

And tough balls of owner to tell my mother via ‘WhatsApp’ that he’s about to increase the rent, as soon as possible.

Since my mum quit her job, we apparently ate everything I could find in the fridge. I wasn’t complaining. I was there with her during tough times, even tougher than this. I thought I was beginning to become a vegetarian because we haven’t eaten chicken for like 2 months. Anas weren’t complaining, too.

He was helping, in his own ways. Obviously, we didn’t have enough money to pay for Astro, and our wifi so everything was cut down to having movies from which I downloaded and transfer it to our tv, with us eating the fried rice, or mee goreng and kuey teow goreng, or Maggie I cooked for us all. Oh and, jemput bawang. It was my cat’s favourite meal.

We couldn’t even afford to buy his cats biscuits. He clearly understands that, though. Every morning, once I come downstairs to make breakfast, he will go upstairs, climb up the bed, and sleep on my mum’s lap. It wasn’t a fun thing, but it was definitely a routine worth repeating.

It was so much fun as we all got creative about what we wanted to eat the next day. I became more thoughtful about how people who have a little amount of money to survive each day. The thoughts makes me wanted to do house chores even more because I was so grateful to have a house. Lots of other people became homeless at this point of lives but Alhamdulillah we managed to get it through.

I could feel chills in my bone after the incident. It was like, everything was perfect.

The sun was about to set. I was home. My mom was home. We watched Coraline and Mulan for the 998^th times. Still doesn’t bore me, or her. Spot was lying down on the cement floor. The sun flashed through our front door, created a perfect shade for it to lie down. Anas was so happy he can ride his bike without the help of others. I was so happy that finally we get the chances to clean up our house and throw away unwanted stuff, or sell some of them. My mom was happy she could finally get her peace of mind.

It was too good to be true.

It was like an endless routine.

It can’t be.

Life can never satisfy looking at me grinning at the sun, or the countless stars.

I knew I have saw its coming. I should have known.

But, of course, I just ignored my illusions of having the future vision that this all will end.

Well, apparently,

I do have vision of the future. What scares me the most is, the more I’ll try to ignore it, the more it became the truth.

It was unbearable.

The torture of an asylum was the situation of my head.

X,

Dini Amr.